I don't know what to say.
So I type.
Somehow I like to type better than writing.
It's neater I guess.
I like neat.
Except when I'm lazy.
I'm typing because I am making my mind busy.
So it won't stray off and hit sensitive subjects.
I wrote all about it and my fear that it's.......
LOVE.
Love is everything.
Because God is everything and God is love.
But I suddenly see that love is a popular subject these days.
Bestsellers are mainly based on love.
Music is mainly governed by love.
Does this all this speed up the phase of puberty?
Does this somehow make it a must for young ones to fall in love?
That everyone else seems to be but them.
Does that drive to land their emotions on any close friend?
Without even knowing what they're like behind closed doors.
The burning desire to impress pushes them to the very limits.
Possibly beyond.
Maybe that's why most suicides are love-related.
But it's not love.
Instead it's infatuation.
Love cannot cause violence.
For love is God.
Nothing so pure can be blamed for such petty things.
So how do I fit in the picture?
Am I infatuated or in love?
Infatuation means obsessive love.
It would help me if I know what I was obsessed about.
So infatuation is crossed off.
So is it love?
Is it love, that's causing my gut to clench in nerves?
Is it love, that I look forward to each day with newfound enthusiasm?
Is it love, that I feel change blasting through every pore in my skin?
Is it love, that I suddenly became more confident with myself?
How should I know?
I just think and type.
Mysteries will unravel in time and soon it will be revealed.
Till then, I just type.
The holidays have begun but I am somehow filled with dread towards it.I think it's because I've grown used to everyone around me.I've been an only child for my whole life. This year and only this year, I've made bonds so strong like blood itself.
The saying goes "Blood is thicker than water". But can water merge into blood? In my case, yes. For the first time, I feel welcome and safe. Some friends have merged into brothers and sisters for me. Also, I joined my school's Christian Fellowship and they fill me with a sort of comfiness that I feel at home.
I now face the holidays. All my friends go off and so do I. Now I face a empty void in my heart that tries to rule me with misery and grief.Will I give in?
No. The mind must rule the heart. So, I keep myself busy.No daydreaming at all in case I let my guard down.It happened once. My gut clenched as the idea of loneliness hit me.I blasted back with happy memories rushing through my head. Lately, massive migraines are common but I let them be.They somehow serve as a reminder that blank thoughts will lead to crushing realization of being empty.
Strangely, I've never felt this way before. Is this related to the major shift in writing? Someone told me I'm in love but no, love is an easy excuse out of every damn thing in this world.There something bigger and darker behind it.
But something still haunts me. What if I'm just paranoid and it's truly love after all?
I am bored.
So I type.
I am on the search of what my inspiration triggers are.
Last week was the clincher.
20 over poems doesn't happen overnight.
Seriously.
Something fueled it.
Note that the two were love poems.
Parting Gazes was about breaking up.
Love's First Move was about a love stricken man.
The 20 over poems were from different genres.
So I divided them by memory into their genres.
12 were about love.
3 were about death.
Roughly 4 were about family.
1 was about religion.
The rest was about life.
I noticed a major shift in my writing.
I wrote about love more than anything else.
Strangely, I don't have any major relationships or crushes or whatever,
Although, I do seem more comfortable in that genre.
Strange.
Oh yeah, I got 500 for "Troubles And Toffees"
Even that's based on love,
God, whats happening!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Okay, calmed down.
I realised I'm becoming the very thing I hated last time.
But now I'm seemingly embracing it,
And it's swallowing me whole,
And I love it,
Every second of it.
Anyways, back to the inspiration triggers.
I guess the triggers were:-
-An empty styrofoam cup of coffee
-A glance into an office building and I saw a man breaking down at his table
-The sound of a strange metallic object hitting the ground.
-The smell of a fancy restaurant that I was passing
-My librarian blazer
-Some classical music that was being played in a house near my school.
-Adrenaline rushes I've been getting recently
-Friends
I don't know why but this whole week itself I wrote almost 20 poems.
These are the favourites.
Here's Parting Gazes.
Parting Gazes
As the world caresses a dying flower,
We will not meet again,
I will disappear from your gaze,
Shall we part, but do not haste,
Blinking eyes of the heart,
Now is cold as we grow apart,
Hazel eyes, lips so pure,
My love for her is now no more,
With an end and with a start,
Each of us has played their part,
Story concludes, each takes a turn,
Away from each other hearts will burn,
Tears flow down from her face,
Never dousing her radiant grace,
I loved her so, but not this way,
My heart now breaks as I turn away,
Alas, the world turns so slow,
Wind chimes along with the gentle flow,
Same with love, our hearts beat along,
Once it was, but now it’s gone,
Goodbye my love, I say farewell,
Leaving you is my personal hell,
We were blind but now we see,
That our love can never be.
END.
Then there's Love's First Move.
Love’s First Move by Mark Lester
It was cruel and yet so good,
She came and washed away my dark mood,
Startling me, I backed away,
But silently wishing for her to stay,
I never knew this side of me,
With her around, I feel so free,
Opening my heart and leaving it be,
Where it was once under lock and key,
But all of this does she know,
That I’ll never try and let her go,
Arms open, she’ll always embrace,
Dazzling me with her beautiful face,
Am I in love or am I insane,
Personal bliss or taunting pain,
Did I tell how she smiles,
For that I’ll walk so many miles,
Now the first move I shall make,
Being cautious each step I take,
Must hurry though because if I wait too long,
End.
There was actually loads more but I can't remember.
These two popped into my mind when I was carrying a notebook.
So lesson in life is to carry a notebook wherever I go.
That's all for now.
The beginning of today was hell.
I'm typing fast because it's near midnight.
The end part of my day was great.
As before, won't delve into bad parts.
So here were the good parts in short.
-I enjoyed a relaxed day of studying
-Had some time chatting with friends over food (best way for me)
-I helped friend with maps
-I labelled maps
-I rushed around school (I like rushing around)
-I got a hug (for the maps)*
-I succeeded in my diet because I barely ate
-I felt good
-My headache and sinus cleared.
-Wainy Days 22 came out
-It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!
*same person
Cool title?
I don't know.
I just write.
I know that it's been a while but I have to say that I can't really use the computer much.
People say that life is boring.
Is it?
They don't try hard enough to look closely at each day for blessings and opportunities.
I never have had a boring day since I realized it.
Here's a poem:
Yellow light breaks the darkness of sky,
Open wings, ready to fly,
Kiss of flowers, to bloom the land,
Escaping the night's cruel, cold hand,
Yearning hearts waiting to be found,
Eternal bliss, then in their grasp,
Each soul a partner it must.
Check each the first letters....
YOKE YEE.
Kind of weird.If you read closer you'll find her name in another post I think.
Why I wrote a poem with her name?
I don't know.
I just write.
Seriously.
I write tons of poems.
Problem is....
I have paper issues.
With soft paper I refuse to write,
I prefer hard, firm paper or notebook paper.
I wrote this with notebook paper.
Then, I crumpled it and stuffed it in my pocket.
When I got back home, I found it, so I typed it out.
Serious problems with my poems and stories is that if I read them, I destroy them.
Seriously.
It's been a great week!Everything been's smooth the whole week except Thursday but never mind.The best two days were Saturday and Sunday.
But before I go into detail, I must explain on how I got tickets to the Interact International Understanding Day.Yes, I know it's sounds formal but believe me it's just the opposite.
Firstly, I didn't even plan to go.But then, Justin asked me if I was going and I said no.Later that day, I was pondering over it.I decided to hell with my boring lifestyle and go for it.Now the challenge was to actually get my parents to allow me to go.I had a shouting match last week and they weren't going to let me go so easily.
I used Justin's name (which was true) that he asked me if I was going and that he'll go if I go.So, they asked about details of the event which I didn't know and after giving all the details the next day, Dad said that I can go if I was in good behaviour.Thursday.The only bad day.My Malay tuition work was done but I lost the book.Damn.I stayed up the whole night and did the work all over again.All for the tickets.But was it worth it?
Hell yes!
I'll fast forward a bit to the part where we reached the event hall.It was really cramped with chairs and felt a bit odd because nearly everyone was wearing black and I was wearing scarlet red.The event started with a couple of shows which were kinda okay but boring.A couple of speeches. Usual drill.Then, food was served in a buffet-like manner.I took like a bit of every dish because I paid 15 bucks for tickets and I'm going to eat my money's worth.So after the food, chairs were taken away and a couple of bands rocked our socks off.Then, it was dance floor time.
I'm like "What?!Dancing!!No way!". So then I was watching and again I thought "to hell with my boring lifestyle" and jumped in.The music just flowed through and I was dancing with incredible flexibility.The music was one with me.It changed, I changed.I took a break when They played an Indian song on request.My Tae-kwon-do Sir who's a Form 5 student in my school grabbed me and thrust me through the crowd into the middle.Raehan, a good friend grabbed me by the man-boobs and forced me to dance.I seriously danced like nobody's business.
People were cheering and I loved every second of it.
After the dancing, everyone was slowly going home.Jensen and Zul shook my hand and said that they respect me for my dancing.Yi May, said that my dancing was amazing and never knew I could dance like that.Raehan told me to keep the dancing alive and get out the shell I encase myself in.Loads of people, loads of praise.I loved it.
If that wasn't enough, mum picked me up and told me that Aaron was coming over.Yay!
To be continued....